Reminisce...

Not gonna lie, being home is hard.
I sure love my family. I just want to make that very clear. But it's hard.
I went to church yesterday to my old ward. I haven't attended regularly for over three years, but fortunately they still know who I am. The problem is, they all knew my family as well as anybody. Lots of them were sunday school teachers or deacon advisors or bishops or whatever. It doesn't hurt that my grandparents live in that ward as well. And thus, they also know exactly what happened over the last two years. Me being that last one left who still goes to church, I felt like for three hours I was under scrutiny. It was as though they needed to make sure that I still have a testimony. Gratefully I do, which astounds many, all things considered. But the surreal fact remains that I am, as somebody once said, the "Custard's Last Stand" for them. No pressure.
Oh, and for some reason I can't seem to avoid lectures about spirituality. Don't get me wrong, I'm as ignorant about these things as anybody else, and I welcome good advice. I'm just afraid of being babied into keeping my testimony. Trust me guys, I know the church is true.
Another is uncovering new pieces of information that I hadn't been privy to before, and many things that I had forgotten but were brought to my memory. I don't want to get into specifics, but there are some things that just kill me to know. I have so many "why?" questions that I know will never get answered here.
But the hardest thing is remember how things used to be, how two years ago I could talk about these things to my siblings, how I felt that I had done some good for the younger ones, and how I thought I was leaving a family in a good situation. How I dreamed of a peaceful homecoming, surrounded friends and family, dreaming of those who would be proud and try to follow. Coming back, it's a reminder of how things once were. It's a reminder of how much my life and theirs have so drastically changed over the last two years, how nothing is really the same, nor ever will be.
Oh well. Life goes on. I am just grateful that, no matter what happened in the past, I am in charge of my future, and that nobody can take away what I have gained. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned from everything. No matter what happened or what will happen, I can be sure of some things. I know in whom I have trusted.